Q: Hi, I am a single mother of 2 healthy children. My children all have the same father, but he is no longer in their life. That was totally his choice, just as it was his choice to leave after the 2nd was born-claiming it was too stressful. Since he's been gone I've tried dating a variety of different guys, but it seems like I cannot find the connection I want. I feel sometimes like maybe because I have kids, that is a turnoff to men, but most of the men I've dated have kids? Uggh! I need a good man. It's hard and I guess my question is what do I need to change about me or what I'm looking for? (Aleeshia, St Louis, MO)

A: Dear Aleeshia...First you should embrace the fact that you have 2 healthy children. Be thankful because we do live in a world where disease and so many other things affect children everywhere. Also be thankful that their father is no longer in your life. It is a shame he isn't a part of his kids life, but that shouldn't be a deterring factor for you to be a great parent.

Now, to the meat & potatoes...you say you have dated men who have kids, but you feel like it's a turnoff? If these men you are dating don't have a tight relationship with their children (i.e., lives with them or keeps them on a regular basis), then maybe they aren't turned off but see more responsibility that they are already not committing to.

Part of the reason you cannot find the connection you desire also lies in what you consider to be a good man, and more importantly, where you are looking. We are so used to going to clubs or social events to meet people, that we lose sight of what we need and go after what we want. Granted, no man is perfect. But even more important, you will never find the "right man" in a place that you met the last "wrong man". have you ever heard the term "birds of a feather...?" It's true. First stop looking for a man and you will see more opportunity.

Also, you need to focus on who you are and what you love about you. Take that and find it in your next mate. Don't settle for someone because they are attractive, have a nice car, and a good job. Settle for someone who is interested in what you have to offer in life and has the qualities of what you define as a man.

If I can say anything you should change, change the idea that you need to "change." Modify, but don't change who you are. Look at your past relationships and accept ownership for failures that you created-those are your weaknesses. Take that and flip it. Get it?

If you would like to ask a question, please email sitonthacouch@gmail.com. All personal information will be kept strictly confidential.

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